![]() ![]() Gautam herself was diagnosed with BPD at age 20. A medical diagnosis only takes place after the age of 18, say psychiatrists. Most people living with BPD feel the symptoms early in their teens and often, their feelings are dismissed as hormonal teenage issues. When they explained what it was, the symptoms felt familiar to me.” ![]() “After two weeks of evaluation, I was told that I had BPD. “It wasn’t something I woke up and had, I had always felt this way,” said Gautam, who had been medicated for anxiety and depression since she was 15. My experience of recognizing my mental health issues and seeking help is not unique it is an experience shared by many young people who recognize that they have problems and need professional advice.Ī 20-year-old student who also asked that she only be identified as Gautam reported similar experiences. I went back to the psychiatrist who had suggested that my issues seemed consistent with BPD and my treatment finally began. They took me to doctors they knew well, but after two months and two more doctors, I was once again diagnosed with anxiety. The conversation about mental health shifted to how I never followed their instructions on how to live life. When I first told my parents about the doctor’s diagnosis, I was met with criticism. My friend, a 22-year-old student who asked that she be identified only as Soph, and I talked through all the symptoms and I had never felt more validated. But a conversation with a close friend who was also living with BPD cleared things up. My first appointment with the doctor she recommended did not last just 15 minutes - it was a two-hour-long conversation after which I was told to research BPD. She recommended a doctor based on her personal experiences. However, one of my closest friends noticed my weight loss, the dark circles under my eyes, and how I no longer seemed to be present during our conversations. I didn’t want to go to the doctors who were familiar with my family as I felt their diagnosis would be prejudiced and I too would be unable to speak my truth free of judgment. ![]() I had visited doctors before but all they said was that I had anxiety. I had always struggled with my emotions and had a history of self harm, but I could never bring myself to be honest about my feelings in front of the doctors my parents took me to. It took me a long time to give a name to my condition. Your decisions are based on your mood and your emotions tend to get the best of you. I would describe it as a state of mind where you feel like you are always in the midst of an emotional crisis or having a breakdown. BPD is characterized by emotional dysregulation, including chronic feelings of emptiness, extreme emotional swings, suicidal ideation, disassociation, impulsive or self destructive behavior, and fear of abandonment. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often feels like going on a rollercoaster ride where you can’t see the end. Emotions are confusing when you either feel them all at once or nothing at all. The most difficult question to answer is, ‘How are you?’ Because I never really know ‘how’ I am. And when it goes away, I find myself having an animated conversation with a friend, burning with passion and declaring my love for the world. This moment can last for an hour or it can last for days. It sounds gruesome but the pain feels like a balm. I feel the need to do something - scream, shout, tear apart the flesh of my body - anything to just feel. Food tastes bland, my mind is exhausted, and there is a knot in my chest that won’t go away. ![]()
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